SUNSHINE IN A BOTTLE

When life keeps getting badder
And my temperament is sadder
And I’m feeling like I’m where I’m not belonged
There’s one thing that I can do
That will make me feel less blue-
I get my bottle of peroxide and go blonde.

I don’t need medication
Or a tropical vacation
Or hunky men all leather-ly enthonged
All the choc’late that I eat
Couldn’t even be as sweet as
When I paint my hair with gunk and make it blonde.

If your days feel way too dreary
And you’re sick of being weary
And you want to make it right when you’ve been wronged
There’s a way to not be down
Put your smile on, lose that frown
Hold your head up, face the world and just be blonde.

So if you’re feeling low
You could have a little go
And try this cheerer-up of which I’m fond
Make your hair bright as the sun
It’s so easy, and it’s fun.
Get some chemicals and make yourself go blonde.

In the real world that’s the way
For you to make your day
You don’t even have to have a magic wand
And it won’t make you be dumber
You’ll just feel much less glummer
Get your sunshine from a bottle and be blonde.

Sunshine in a Bottle was shortlisted in Page Seventeen 2006's poetry competition and appeared in the 2006 edition.

i am the sock lost in the laundry
you are a coin found down the back of the sofa
i am a dust bunny huddled in a dark corner
you are the clean path of pile lifted by the vacuum
i am the syncopated dripping of a tap at three a.m.
you are the sound of rain on a morning when you can sleep in
i am a dog, barking in the night
you are the cat curled up on the end of the bed
i am the yellow patch in the middle of the lawn
you are the first leaf to go red on the tree
i am the washing left out in the rain
you are pyjamas, put on warm from the tumble dryer
i am that last bit of tinsel, still stuck to the rafter, all cobwebbed in August
you are the first decorations appearing in the stores
i am dropped pine needles at Christmas
you are the presents under the tree
i am a day at the beach when it’s too cold to go in the water but too hot to stay home
you are an evening by the fire with hot chocolate
i am the lid that got left off the milk
    making it taste like fridge
you are the scent of fresh-baked bread in the morning
    and the butter melting on it
i am the spider that’s suddenly there, on the wall
you are the orb-spinner’s web at dawn covered in jewels
i am the insufficient memory of deja vu
you are the sudden delight of serendipity
i am that sign that says “wrong way. go back”
you are the sign that says “free, please take one”
i am the fraught cry of the baby with colic
you are the milk warmth of first awareness
i am the white dot that stays there after the TV’s been turned off
you are the energy that carries the story into eternity
i am the endless reflection of two mirrors staring into each other
you are the darkness that releases them
i am a crystal shattering sunlight into rainbows
you are that sun

I Am appeared in fly 2007

A Level of Cool

Chook had been staring into the middle distance for so long that the others thought he’d forgotten the question. Their conversation had veered onto a whole new topic when he finally said: ‘Maggot’s dad.’

‘Yep,’ Jaxie was nodding sagely. ‘He’d have to be right. Your dad really is the coolest bloke in town.’

Horrie patted Maggot consolingly on the shoulder. ‘Too bad coolness isn’t an inherited trait, Mag.’

‘No but I reckon stupidity must be contagious. My dad?!?’

‘Well, he looks cool,’ said Chook.

Maggot’s dad was a lean, lanky man who seemed to be made out of sinew and leather. The thing he resembled most in the world was a knotted stockwhip. With boots on.  He had a thatch of sandy hair burnt gold by the sun and piercing blue eyes that could see into tomorrow. There always seemed to be a half-smoked rolley in the vicinity of the  grin that lurked about the lower parts of Maggot’s dad’s face.

‘His car’s cool,’ said Jax.

They all loved it when they got the chance to travel in Maggot’s dad’s ute. There was a bench seat in the front so two of them could sit beside him while the other two could squeeze in the space behind, sitting on the car fridge and whatever else was back there.

‘His dog’s really cool too,’ said Horrie.

While his dad’s bluey barely acknowledged Maggot’s existence, it would would do anything in the world for Maggot’s dad. He’d trained it to open the fridge and fetch him a coldie. While Maggot’s dad took care of the tinny, the dog would sit at his feet, gazing adoringly up at him.

‘Cheez, he’s my dad. How can he be cool?’

‘He opens beer with his teeth,’ said Chook dreamily.

‘He only did that once and mum made him go to the dentist cause he busted his front tooth.’

‘Cool,’ said Jax. ‘Busted a tooth! What about the time he cracked that snake?’

Maggot shrugged. ‘Yeah. Well...’ there was no arguing against the coolness of a man who could break a snake’s back by grabbing its tail and cracking it like a stockwhip.

‘And what about the time he rode Bloodeye?!’ said Horrie.

That was when the rodeo was in town. Maggot, in an act of recklessness had volunteered to ride Hellraiser, one of the buck jumping horses. It had given everyone a good laugh, seeing him fly through the air after a few seconds of Hellraiser’s leaping about. After he’d recovered, Maggot made wild promises about being able to ride the placid looking Brahmin bull in the paddock, but it was his dad who had managed to stay on Bloodeye the Brahmin Bastard for five full minutes and take away the rodeo’s grand prize and trophy for his efforts.

‘Face it Maggot, your dad’s just cool,’ said Jax.

‘He farts in bed!’

‘Nice one,’ grinned Chook appreciatively.

‘He falls asleep in front of the tv and snores.’

‘Fair criticism,’ nodded Horrie.

‘He’s scared of spiders!!!’ yelled Maggot.

There was a small, awed silence which was only broken when Jaxie said: ‘Bullshit.’

‘He is. He practically pees his pants when he sees a big one. He runs out of the house like his arse is on fire and Mum has to swat it with the broom.’

‘What, his arse?’ said Chook.

‘The spider, dopey.’

‘Well all we have to do is ask him,’ said Horrie.

‘Oh, sure. He’ll say yes Nelson dearie. Big spidies give me the willies. Please don’t bring them near me. If you have a problem with one, ask my wifie to deal with it.’

Jaxie shrugged. ‘Then I guess he’s just cool until proven otherwise.’

It was about a week later that Maggot’s dad decided to take them to help out with the ferreting at McKenzie’s place.

‘You can sit in the front,’ Maggot offered graciously, allowing Horrie and Jax the bench seat. Blue had parked himself in the tray, minding the ferrets, and Maggot and Chook squeezed in behind the seat, perching themselves on the car fridge and bunny nets.

It wasn’t until they got started that Maggot slipped the jar out from under his shirt and showed it to Chook. Chook was impressed. The spider was so big, its legs seemed to fill up all the space and overlap each other like a tangle of string. Maggot made a face behind his dad’s back and unscrewed the lid.

It was as if the spider was a rubber toy that had been compressed while it was in the jar. As soon as the lid came off it unwound itself all at once and made a sudden, spastic rush. It raced over Maggot’s hand and was up his arm and onto the inside pillar of the car before he had a chance to make a sound. Maggot’s eyes bulged and he choked as if he either needed to laugh or scream. Chook stifled a nervous giggle as he watched the spider’s long legs carry it to a spot directly over Maggot’s dad’s head. There it paused as if considering its options.

The car slowed to a stop.  The spider nibbled one of its legs in a thoughtful sort of way.

‘Get the gate, Jax,’ Maggot’s dad ordered.

Jaxie jumped out of the car to take care of opening and closing McKenzie’s gate. While he waited, Maggot’s dad lit the cigarette he’d been keeping behind his ear.

It must have been a non-smoking spider, because when the blue cloud drifted from Maggot’s dad’s nose to the roof of the car, the spider took offense. Before Jax got back into his seat the spider had moved to the apparently secure spot between the sun visor and the roof.

Maggot and Chook watched in silence, their eyes riveted to the dark space where the spider lurked. They could just make out the paler grey of its body and three black toes that clung to the edge of the visor. It seemed as if it was determined to stay safely tucked away. And then they hit the first pot holes in McKenzie’s paddock.

Jax and Horrie, oblivious of the drama unfolding, laughed as they bounced around in the front seat. Maggot and Chook hung on as best they could in the tangle of bunny nets. They jarred through the paddock and Maggot’s dad, grinning away, bounced up and down, his head thumping on the roof of the car. It was all too much for the spider. It secured a bungee cord to the visor and launched itself from its safe spot. It hung suspended in front of  Maggot’s dad’s face for a moment with its legs splayed out so that it looked sort of like a surprised asterisk. And then it fell.

Maggot’s dad emitted a noise like a struck bull. He didn’t stop the car, didn’t even slow down. He just opened his door and got out, his long arms and legs bowling him across the paddock in a series of clumsy cartwheels. They were doing forty.

It was just as well Horrie wasn’t the type to panic. He reached one foot across and slammed it on the brake hard enough for the car to shudder to a stall. Tom McKenzie drove the boys home in the ute and Bill took Maggot’s dad to the hospital. They never did see what happened to the spider.

‘Told ya he was scared,’ said Maggot.

‘Yeah, but the way he just got out of the car,’ said Chook.

Horrie nodded. ‘Totally cool, Mag. Your dad has raised being scared of spiders to a level of cool.’

A Level of Cool won the Autumn 2000 Write Spot International Short Story Competition and was published in Briefs. It was also published in the 2006 edition of Pendulum.